APRIL 1976

HIGH GEAR

Hot to trot! Try our ironstudded heavy-gauge steam dildo. Nothing necessary to operate but low-grade coal and ap water. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Otherwise, sit on this one! Write for our free ten-day trial.

T-PAPER

their

Don't worry about squeezing this one, Mr. Nipple. Sample our new steel-spiked leather toilet paper. Our type of wipe lets you feel like a man. It's too good to be toilet paper! Also inquire about our mini-spiked ear swabs or our micro-minispiked contact lenses.

Page 17

"BIG BERT"

HORSE-ACTION SADDLE.

STIMULATIVE

MASSAGE

Get the massage of a lifetime from our saucy non-sexist, nonageist models. We specialize in concurrent sin and penance. You may not get what you want, but you'll get what you need from our trained experts. Let exBalkan partisan masseur Mustafo, show you the secrets of professional wrestling and exotic, erotic Manchurian delights. We guarantee you'll be satisfied. You wouldn't dare be otherwise.

FAIRY LIGHT

THE

QUEEN

QUARTER SIZ OF LIGH

OF

LIGHTS

Her Majesty the Queen

For the first time in any gay publication, we are illustrating an example of genuine homosexual reproduction! Microbiologists have discovered certain strains of bacteria which reproduce sexually via specially modified flagella (tubes). Since each individual of the species is a member of the same sex (scientists do not know which), they represent the only exclusively gay species. Yes, Dorothy Fuldheim, gays do indeed reproduce! Furthermore statistics indicate that most people who suffer from bacterial infections are straight. Right on, bacteria! The abundant flagella (whip-like structures) possessed by these bacteria suggest that S&M originated very early in the evolutionary process.

ACTU-JACK

Tired of hot-water bottles, pillows, plastic bags and other gimmicks? If so, you'll want to sample ACTU-JAC! ACTU-JAC is not a fake. It's the ACTUAL thing! ACTU-JAC feels like real flesh because ITIS! No batteries or electricity required! Save. energy! Even more amazingly,. ACTU-JAC doubles as a selfoperating lawn-mower. Just imagine, while you're out sunning on Mentor Beach, ACTU-JAC is trimming your lawn! Send for our free cattle log today! MODEL 500A MODEL 503B

NOW YOU CAN THROW OUT THOSE TACKY FLAMINGOS AND CHROME BALLS! SEND US A CHECK OR MONEYORDER TODAY FOR THIS ¡GIGANTIC BUTCH PHALLIC SCULPTURE YOUR NEIGH-

$ &

M

You have probably seen all sorts of leather toys and ridiculous baubles being passed off on the market as "S and M❞ accessories. By now you've most likely grown up, and are ready for the REAL tools of the profession. Our products are not toys! They may be used for other ¡purposes besides making love. But for the issue at hand, they can't be beat!

VIVA TEST

Test after test has shown that High Gear is stronger than Viva. One page of High Gear folded over once can support significantly more dishes than can one page of Viva. Furthermore, High Gear is more absorbent. High Gear's special pulp construction absorbs far more spilled liquid than does slick, absorbency-resistant Viva. What is more, High Gear can hold twice as much garbage as Viva. Try the Viva test! Then switch to High Gear!

BORS WILL BE AWED! A SINGLE STYLIZED PHALLUS ¡COVERS ANY AVERAGE FRONT LAWN. CUTS DOWN ON YARD WORK! (REPLACES YOUR HAND GUN TOO). Write U.S.A. Surplus, Fort Dicks, N.J.

VICOR

TROT. CANTER

& GALLOP.

HIGH GEAR

VIVA